My Daughter Needs What?

Today was rough for this mom. I found a list that my 10 year old daughter had written. It went like this,
“Things I Need”
Pedicure
Designer Clothing
Chocolates (from adoring boyfriend)
Perfect Body
Exciting Diary
Princess Tiara
Manicure
Cute Flirty Habit of Twirling My Hair That Drives the Guys Wild
Shiny Hair
Perfect Skin
Beauty
Brains I was blown away. This list stopped me in my tracks. I immediately sat down on the porch steps and read this list over and over again. Each time I read through this it felt more painful that the last. The words practically assaulted me. I flipped through the rest of the pages of the notebook searching for some clue as to what this could mean. I hoped there would be more info that I could glean as to her state of mind or what might have caused her to write this but it was the first and only thing written in the entire notebook.

I was truly devastated. Could my only daughter actually feel this way? Think these things? At only 10 years old? I would have never imagined this. I’m a fairly strong chick and I’m pretty sure that has been passed on to my child as well. I thought she was Mini Strong Chick! She’s confident and outgoing. The girl doesn’t know a stranger. She’s bold and mature for 10. So, how could I have missed this? That she feels that she “needs” perfect skin and a perfect body at her age. What had I done wrong? As parents we have always focused on her intelligence, behavior, etc. over appearance and outward qualities. Or so I thought. Clearly we’d gone awry somewhere. So, like any good mom, I spent the next couple of hours beating myself up over this, mentally retracing all of my motherly shortcomings.

I tried to think of the best way to deal with this. My first thought was to head straight to her school and talk with her. I decided that it probably could wait until she got home in a couple of hours. So, I calmed myself down and went on with my day, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had failed my daughter. It’s a horrible feeling and I wanted to set this right for her. After the normal getting home routine - you know, let me see your work, how was school, what did you eat for lunch? - I brought out the notebook and told her that I’d found it in the car and asked if she could tell me why she felt that she needed the things on this list. She gave me a wrinkled eyebrow look and said, “That’s not my list. I found it in a book and thought it was funny so I copied it to show my friends.” (We’ll discuss plagiarizing later!) Oh dear God! I had panicked half of a day over this! To reassure myself, I asked her, “So you don’t feel this way? You don’t think you need the things on this list?” Her reply, “Well maybe a few things. Brains for sure. And probably a pedicure. My toenails are, well, yikes mom.” And on to something else she went. Like it was no big deal. Because it wasn’t - to her anyway. She is Mini Strong Chick. Just like I thought!

The lesson in this? While I’m still absorbing the days event, two things stick out. One, a general thought that applies to everyone. Don’t spend your whole day worried about something that you have no control over. It will probably end up being a larger mental event that an actual event! And two, a thought for parents of girls. Parenting girls is absolutely terrifying. You not only worry about their physical well being but you spend a great deal of time worrying about their mental state as well. With all of the things that girls have to deal with these days it’s understandable. But I think that if we keep building them to be intelligent and strong people and not spend so much time caught up in their self image they’ll be stronger women than we ever were.